Even now, in top-secret R&D bunkers all over Japan, technicians are finalising their latest CBGSRXYZ10000RRR hyperbikes with the following checklist:

- Does it carry more electronic gizmos than the space shuttle? Oh, yes

- Is it dripping with hyper-trick race-derived exotica? Absolutely every component now has full racing pedigree

- Can it do 95 on one wheel in first and is it only the rev limiter stopping it from breaking the 186mph limit? 97, actually

- Have we made it as wind-tunnel pointy and dangerous as an Exocet missile? Surely have

- Is it painted in either ultra-cool stealth-fighter black or in-your-face dangerous primary colours? Body shop's worked overtime on this one

- Right, then, it's ready - best get Akira from 'elf'n'safety to plaster it with them stupid bright orange warning stickers before we ship it! Righto, boss

And so, every flat surface carries a superfluous warning of some sort: "Always Wear Your Helmet!" (in case people don't know it's the law???), "Ride Safely" (thanks for the tip!) and my particular favourite: "Use Warm Water And Soft Cloth To Clean This Screen" (what, you mean sandpaper wouldn't be a good choice?).

It must be a joke, surely? Hard to carry off that bad-to-the-bone hardcore race rep pilot look when the most prominent things on your vehicle are stickers reminding you to ride slowly and only use soft cloths. Oh, and try to remember not to put diesel in the tank.

Stop doing it, lads. It isn't funny and it takes ages to peel the damn things off!

>> ex silens nox noctis <<

Tbh though, i think that even the manufacturers prob don't like putting them on. They do it coz they're required to do so to protect themselves from us suing them for being silly! Like riding without a helmet!. It's like the nut allergy warnings on peanut packets!! Really silly, but at the end of the day they're only doing it to cover their pockets.

The car in front, is now behind!

One of my friends had a Harley for a while: the front page of the owner's manual bore the crucial piece of advice "No part of this motorcycle is edible". Fair play to 'em for keeping that nonsense hidden in the book rather than stuck all over the bodywork, though!

Hairdryers are a great help if you ever do feel the need to remove the offending articles. Heat and peel, then rub over with some lighter fuel to remove any glue residue afterwards and job done. (Brought to you by Mrs. Beeton's 1001 Household Tips).

>> ex silens nox noctis <<

Be sure, ride safe and enjoy

Question one: why do bike manufacturers have very little idea of what constitutes acceptable nightlighting? Granted, they have got a little better of late, but so many bikes make do with a feeble yellow letterbox of near-illumination cast about five feet in front of the front wheel. Couldn't they at least fit full halogens as standard? It can be done properly: the RR1 Fireblade had incredible lights: turn them on and small nocturnal creatures would assume they'd made a mistake getting up and settle back down for a nap. Full beams had low-flying pilots suffering flashbacks to the anti-aircraft searchlights of the Blitz. More like that, please.

Question two: is it asking too much to have something that works in mist or fog? LEDs or projectors mounted low under the nose, or clever reflectors, or something? As it is, dipped beam works somewhat less well than usual (see Q1!) and main beam is just white-out central, diffusing off the vapour at more or less exactly eye level. Never mind roadbike traction control and other such "innovations", get the basics sorted out!

Bonus question: why is it, if cars can have windscreen wipers that know when it's raining, aircon that knows what temperature it is and parking sensors that can tell where every object for miles is located, why can't they have one that knows when it's not foggy and turns their sodding fog lights off?

>> ex silens nox noctis <<

No seriously though, the reason for those stickers is a simple one. If you see a stupid sticker (for example "WARNING: contains nuts" on the side of a packet of peanuts!) you know it's because some idiot has less common sense and intellegence then Paris Hilton and has sued them becuase they weren't given "Fair Warning". It's absolutely ridiculous.

Case in point. American bloke (only in America can this happen!) goes and buys a Winner Baigo or however it's spelt. You know, one of those big moblie home type things. Bigger than a caravan but smaller than a Coach and you can live in it. Anyway, he's just bought this thing and whist driving it home he spies the "Cruise Control" button. Now, we all know what cruise control does, (and if you didn't, it basically keeps your vehical going at the same speed without you pressing the accelerator so you can rest your legs) however this bloke presses it...... and then goes and makes himself a cup of tea in the back. He believes that Cruise control means just that... the house with wheels will cruise itself home... not realising that it won't steer! Roads are quite straight in the USA so it takes a minute or two before the inevitable happens. Writes it off and he ended up with cuts and bruises and a broken wrist or something like that. No-one else injured thank goodness!

Anyway, he sues the company for not explaining what cruise control means/does... and, of course, he wins! No the Winner Baigo (SP?) company now has to explain everything like "Don't stick your fingers in a plug socket and turn it on" etc etc. So when you next see a stupid sticker, it's because the manufacturers are covering their asses because they know that some pratt will try and sue them for something very very stupid!

Or the woman who sued McDonalds because her Coffee burnt her when she spilt it.... for F**K SAKE! It's Coffee you idiot, it's served hot! She sued and got a massive pay out! Now every cup of coffee McDonalds sell has the warning "Caution: contents will be hot", as does every microwavable ready meal and anything else that have to heat up. Funny you don't see a warning on a plate saying "This crockery is not edible" I'm sure it's not long.

should we really blame the consumer for this madness though? Personnaly, I think they are complete idiots who need to go back to school to do basics again. but if you think about it, if they had lost their case, then the warning stickers wouldn't have been put on. If the gudges had declared that the consumer is a complete pillockand needs to sit down and think about what they've done then I reckon we'd see less of these of dumb warnings and less of these "No Win, No Fee" law firms who are out to make a quick buck.

Rant over!

The best warning I ever saw was on a Toothpick box... actual instructions on how to use it. It's H&S gone nuts!

Yamaha FZS 600 Fazer ... in gold! 

Ride safe, and look out for the Rainbow of Death!

^{There're only 3 kinds of people in the world, those who can count, and those that can't.}

^{Roses are red, Violets are Blue, I'm a schizophrenic ..... and so am I!}

^{Take pity on the man who invented the drawing board, when he screwed up, he had nothing to fall back on.}

^{Stuff everything, I've always got my bike.}

As for the lights, welllllllllllllllllllll, i do have one thing to complain about on the CBR. The lights are always on, which i agree with, as it is very sensible coz of those damn blind people out there!, but they don't get brighter when it get's dark, and tbh i think thats shite!!! If they are allowed to be that bright in the day, then surely they should be a switch to make them brighter at night right?!! I only have the full beam headlight switch, and i'm sure other motorists won't like me using them!! Even so, i haven't yet been out on it in complete darkness yet, and i won't!!

The car in front, is now behind!

Always-on lights are another thing. I'd like to choose when conditions need me to be more visible, not have it forced upon me. Plus I'm absolutely convinced that it's less safe in town: the number of times car drivers still pull out from side junctions in front of me, I can only assume they mistake the results of suspension travel on bumpy roads for me flashing them to let them out. Either that or they still haven't seen me despite the headlight, making it rather pointless having it on in the first place.

With a lot of bikes these days having fox-eye style lights, It's really annoying that dipped beam only works on one bulb. Not only is it a waste, when you could have an intermediate option of two dips, but people constantly poin out that one of your lights is broken! I suspect it's cheap, though: the main-beam only reflector would have to be cleverly sculpted to allow that without scattering light too far over into oncoming traffic.

Other drivers may not appreciate main beams, but whenever oncoming vehicles have their fog lights on (when it isn't foggy), I make a point of turning the mains on. If they're not prepared to show consideration (and behave legally) to fellow road users, I see no reason why I should put up with it unquestioningly. I'm sure most of 'em don't have the faintest idea why I'm doing it, aren't even aware they're doing anything wrong and think I must be some kind of inconsiderate tw*t, but, hey, you have to stay angry about some things!!!

PS: Night riding can be a lot of fun, honest. Complete darkness is OK, in fact - you get accustomed to it quite well. It's variable dark/light and oncoming glare that can be a problem...

>> ex silens nox noctis <<

Anyway, like most I pay my premiums and hope never to need the policy in anger. So, on saturday I received my renewal notice, stating in black and white "we recommend you accept this renewal quote as it represents the best value for money we can obtain for you". Does it indeed? thinks I, logging on to the broker's own website just to check. Some time later, I am on the phone explaining that 1. The premium they are asking for on my 600 is £40 more than last year's cost for an NU17 1000 2. My "business use" clause seems to have vanished 3. The excess has rocketed to more than double despite my insisting every year that it is kept to the absolute minimum possible and 4. Their own website is offering me a premium £60 less than my renewal quote. I suggest that their recommendation didn't seem to have involved much checking of value for money at all. Quite possibly none, in fact. Shortly thereafter (surprise, surprise) the internet quote was matched to within a couple of pence. They still weren't the absolute cheapest, but I tend to stay loyal and they have always been good in their dealings with me, so I accepted. After delivering a lecture about showing somewhat more loyalty to their existing customers.

And the moral of this story is twofold: first and foremost, it is always best to assume that insurance companies are vile capitalist swine intent on wringing every last penny from punters using every sharp practice in the book. Secondly, five minutes on the 'net saved me £60, £300 of excess and legalised my business trips: it's always worth checking the small print yourself!

>> ex silens nox noctis <<

I think that's why all these comparison websites have sprung up all over the place. But what makes it funnier is now Direct Line have said that you won't find them on comparison websites because they can be cheaper without the need for one... how many more will go the same way?

Yamaha FZS 600 Fazer ... in gold! 

Ride safe, and look out for the Rainbow of Death!

^{There're only 3 kinds of people in the world, those who can count, and those that can't.}

^{Roses are red, Violets are Blue, I'm a schizophrenic ..... and so am I!}

^{Take pity on the man who invented the drawing board, when he screwed up, he had nothing to fall back on.}

^{Stuff everything, I've always got my bike.}